Alright this is just for the hell of it and you can talk about other stuff as well if you want

ok heres mine

Feel free to post your own jokes here
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Three people are killed in a car Crash and they are a teacher, a dustman(garbageman) and a lawyer and they are standing to the gates of St Peters. St Peters thinks to himself
'The teacher hasn't sinned so I'll give here an easy question'

'What is the name of a ship that hit an ice-burg, sank and lots of people on board died'

'Oh that's the titanic' the teacher says so she goes into heaven.

'The dustman has sinned but his sins are minor so I'll give him a slightly harder question' St Peters thinks to himself.

'How many people died on the titanic'

The dustman had a bit of luck as he had seen the film 'Titanic' last night.

'That would be about 1500' the dustman says and goes into heaven.

And then it comes to the lawyer and St Peters says

'Ok name them'
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A man in his fifties is told he only has a few years to live and his wealthy son asks him,

'Is there anything you wish to do before you die?'

'Yes I always wanted to be a lawyer' the man says so, his son gets him enrolled in a university and, a few years, later just after the man has passed his courses he has a heart attack and on his death bed his son asks him,

'Why did you want to be a lawyer?' And with the mans last breath he says

'One..less...lawyer'

lol

Today the United States MIlitary Realesed a new Speciel Forces Group

The group is called The Redneck Speciel Forces group [RSFG] for short

These Louisianna Home boys will be shipped off to Iraq and given the following facts about terrorists

1.they taste like chicken
2.their is no limit
3.the season is year round
4.they dont like beer trucks and jesus
5.they are directally responsible for the death of Dale Erenheart

The US Millitary expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

On a serious note, I've just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector and thought I'd pass this information onto you.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they crashed.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal

ok their 4 people on a plane thats crashing with only 3 pareachutes
1 and 2 father and a son
3smartest guy in the world
4pilot
their standing their asking whos the most important
the pilot sdays well im inportant grabs a parachute and jumps out
the smartest man in the world says well im important grabs a parachute from the little kid and jumps out
the father says to his son
well ive had a good life u take the last parachute and jump out
the son says
no need to dad the smartest man in the wqorld took my backpack

Please note this was a copy and paste job as i couldn't be bothered writing the thing out again
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Texas Chili Contest

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down
your cheeks then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of
you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes
up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: " Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so
I accepted ."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick .
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the h*ll is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy .

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang .
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face .

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans .
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer .

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing .
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili .
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili
an aphrodisiac ?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive .
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement .
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Scr*w those rednecks .

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers .
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb .
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sl*t Sally. She must be k*nk*er than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone .

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers .
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh*t to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Scr*w it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach .

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence .
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili .

very true we like our chili here i'll bet it was all mild compared to mine

jesus christ cheesy some of those are bloody awful lol

but quite few gd ones from both u guys as well-

soz 4 faces-put em in for hell of it

wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili .

ok i used to live down in southern usa so i like hot stuff as much as anyone
but sadly i live up north now not as much hot stuff but i can snowbord [hell ya fools i own u][manical laughter]

Also this is a really bad joke

A man walks into a bar and says

'Ouch'
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There is an English man, a Scots man and an Irish man and they are all working on a bridge and have just stopped to have there lunch and the english man opens his lunch and says,

'If my wife mkes me a ham and lettuce sandwich again I'll jump off this bridge and kill myself.'

The Scots man says,

'If my wife makes me a pickle and cheese sandwich I'll jump off this bridge and kill myself too.'

And the Irish man says,

'If my wife makes me a jam sandwich again i too will jump off this bridge and kill myself.'

The next day they sit down for lunch and open their lunch boxes and sure enough the english man's wife has made him a ham and lettuce sandwich so he jumps off the bridge and kills himself.

The Scots checks his lunch box and finds a pickle and cheese sandwich so he jumps off the bridge and kills himself.

The Irish man checks and finds a jam sandwich so he to jumps off the bridge and kills himself.


At the men's funerals there widows are talking to each other and the english man's widow says

'If I'd known he didn't want a ham and lettuce sandwich I wouldn't have made him one.'

The Scots man's widow says much to the same effect and then the Irish man's widow says,

'I don't why he jumped off the bridge he makes his own sandwiches'

Here are some more

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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

A1: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A2: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:



1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership

Damn i like lawyer jokes

A preacher was getting ready for his Sunday service when a deacon of the church came in and asked what the service was about, he replied

"I dont know yet Ive had a bad week, my bicycle was stolen."

"Why dont you preach about the Ten Commandments and when you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, you mention something about the bicycle?"

said the deacon. After the service the deacon asked

'Why didnt you say anything about the bicycle?"

The preacher thought for a moment and said

"When I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultry, I remembered where I left my bike."

Funny Car Names


AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW : Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet
FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill
HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable and Inexpensive
SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything